Sex-Drive Killers: The Causes of Low Libido
Sex-Drive Killer: Stress
The body does not react well to stress. Emotional stress may affect physical function, including sexual desire and performance. Realizing what underlying stressors may exist is the first step in treatment. Self-help may work but some people may need to visit a counselor or doctor.
Sex-Drive Killer: Partner
Sexual desire requires two to tango. Both partners need to feel connected and women especially need the feeling of being close. Poor communications, a sense of betrayal, lack of trust, and repeated fighting and criticism may create a relationship that lacks closeness and intimacy. Counseling may be the answer if couples find that the issues are too tough to resolve on their own.
Sex-Drive Killer: Alcohol
Alcohol is usually not the answer to any problem. While alcohol may decrease inhibitions, it also decreases sexual performance and libido. Your partner may not appreciate a drunken advance and may be turned off by it. Alcohol is an addictive drug and you may need help to quit.
Sex-Drive Killer: Too Little Sleep
As with any physical activity, a rested body increases performance. Lack of sleep, including lack of proper sleep, may be the culprit that decreases sex drive. Sleep apnea is a potential cause for lack of good sleep and lack of libido. Medical help may be needed if you or your partner suspect it.
Sex-Drive Killer: Having Kids
Being a parent is a full-time job and you need to carve out time without a child or baby around. Planning quiet time for intimacy and sexual desire may require some creative thinking, like having sex when the baby naps, or hiring a babysitter so mom and dad can have a play date.
Sex-Drive Killer: Medication
Side effects of many prescription medications include loss of libido and sex drive. Some examples include:
- High blood pressure medications including water pills and beta blockers
- Cold medications that contain antihistamines and decongestants
- Antidepressants
- Birth control pills
- Narcotic pain pills
- Chemotherapy drugs
If this is the cause, your doctor may be able to suggest a medication alternative that might have fewer side effects.
Sex Drive Killer: Poor Body Image
Sexy is as sexy feels. Many people have low self-esteem when it comes to their body shape and this can affect their sex drive and desire. Being happy with yourself is an important first step. A supportive partner always helps.
Sex-Drive Killer: Obesity
Obesity affects one-third of all Americans and being overweight can limit desire because of decreased sexual enjoyment, lack of performance, and poor self-esteem. How you feel about yourself goes a long way in affecting how you enjoy sex. Counseling may be helpful.
Sex-Drive Killer: Erection Problems
Erectile dysfunction (ED) can not only affect the ability to have intercourse but also how a man feels about his ability to perform. There are many options available to treat ED and your doctor can help find the option that is best for you and your partner.
Sex-Drive Killer: Low T
While a man's testosterone level gradually falls with aging, there is not necessarily any relationship between hormone levels and the desire for sex. It is just one potential cause for decreased libido and your doctor may want to look for other causes in addition to just low testosterone (“low T”).
Sex-Drive Killer: Depression
Depression affects all facets of life including sex drive. Losing pleasure in daily activities often requires treatment including counseling and perhaps medication. Unfortunately, some antidepressants also depress libido. Your doctor and therapist need to know if low sex drive is one of your symptoms of depression.
Sex-Drive Killer: Menopause
Menopause may cause physical changes that affect intercourse, including vaginal dryness and pain with intercourse (dyspareunia). Treatments are available to enhance sexual desire and function after menopause.
Sex-Drive Killer: Lack of Closeness
Making love is more than just sex. Intimacy and closeness are important part of a healthy love life. If sexual desire is waning, it may be time to inject romance back into the relationship. Snuggling, giving each other massages, and spending casual time together may help ignite that spark.
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Men, Love, and Sex: 18 Secrets Guys Wish You Knew in Pictures
Men Will Talk About Feelings
Was your guy raised as a traditional, stoic, man's man? If so, let WebMD walk you through 18 relationship secrets, gathered from psychologists who study gender roles. Secret No. 1: It may be easier for your man to talk about feelings indirectly. Ask what he'd do during a romantic weekend. Or what he thought the first time he met you. His answers will reveal how he feels and bring you closer.
Men Say "I Love You" With Actions
Some men prefer to show their feelings through actions rather than words. Your guy may say "I love you" by fixing things around the house, tidying up the yard, or even taking out the trash -- anything that makes your world a better place.
Men Take Commitment Seriously
Men have a reputation for being afraid to commit. But the evidence suggests men take marriage seriously. They may take longer to commit because they want to make sure they are onboard for good. In a survey of currently married men, 90% say they would marry the same woman again.
He Really Is Listening
When you're listening to someone talk, you probably chime in with a "yes" or "I see" every now and then. It's your way of saying, "I'm listening." But some guys don't do this. Just because a man isn't saying anything doesn't mean he's not listening. He may prefer to listen quietly and think about what you're saying.
Shared Activities Form Bonds
Men strengthen their relationships with their partners through doing things together, more than by sharing thoughts or feelings. For many men, activities like sports and sex make them feel closer to their partner.
Men Need Time for Themselves
While shared activities are important, men also need time for themselves. Whether your guy enjoys golf, gardening, or working out at the gym, encourage him to pursue his hobbies, while you make time for your own. When both partners have space to nurture their individuality, they have more to give to each other.
Men Learn From Their Fathers
If you want to know how a man will act in a relationship, get to know his dad. How they are with each other and how the father relates to his own partner can predict how a man will relate to his wife.
Men Let Go Faster Than Women
Women tend to remember negative experiences longer and may have lingering feelings of stress, anxiety, or sadness. In contrast, men are less likely to dwell on unpleasant events and tend to move on more quickly. So while you may still want to talk about last night's argument, your guy may have already forgotten about it.
Men Don't Pick Up on Subtle Cues
Men are more likely to miss subtle signals like tone of voice or facial expressions. And they are especially likely to miss sadness on a woman's face. If you want to make sure your guy gets the message, be direct.
Men Respond to Appreciation
Showing appreciation for your guy can make a big difference in the way he acts. Take parenting: Studies show that fathers are more involved in care-giving when their wives value their involvement and see them as competent.
Men Think About Sex ... A Lot
OK, so maybe this one is no secret. Most men under age 60 think about sex at least once a day, compared with only a quarter of women. And that's not all. Men fantasize about sex nearly twice as often as women do, and their fantasies are much more varied. They also think more about casual sex than women do. But thinking is not the same as doing.
Men Find Sex Significant
It's a myth that most men think sex is just sex. For many, sex is a very important act between two committed people. And just like most women, men find sexual intimacy to be most satisfying within a committed relationship. One reason is that long-term partners know how to please one another better than strangers do.
He Likes It When You Initiate Sex
Most guys feel as though they're the ones who always initiate sex. But they also like to be pursued and wish their partner would take the lead more often. Don't be shy about letting your guy know you're in the mood. Initiating sex some of the time may lead to a higher level of satisfaction for both of you.
Guys Aren't Always Up for Sex
Men, much to many women's surprise, aren't always in the mood for sex. Just like women, men are often stressed by the demands of work, family, and paying the bills. And stress is a big libido crusher. When a guy says, "not tonight," it doesn't mean he's lost interest in you. He just means he doesn't want to have sex right then.
Men Like Pleasing Their Partner
Your pleasure is important to your man. But he won't know what you want unless you tell him. Too many women feel uncomfortable talking about what they like and don't like. If you can tell him clearly in a way that doesn't bruise his ego, he'll listen. Because he knows he'll feel good if you feel good.
Guys Get Performance Anxiety
Most men get performance anxiety on occasion, especially as they age. Your guy may worry about his body, technique, and stamina. If you can help him learn to relax and stay focused on the pleasures of the moment, sex will become less stressful.
Men May Stray When Needs Aren't Met
If a man doesn't feel loved and appreciated in his relationship, he may turn elsewhere for satisfaction. For one man, that may mean burying himself in work. Another may develop a fixation on sports or video games. And some men cheat. To avoid this, partners need to work together to meet each other's needs.
He's Vested in You
Most men realize there's a lot to lose if a long-term relationship goes sour -- not just each other's company, but the entire life you've built together. If you're willing to work to strengthen your marriage, chances are your man will be, too.
19 Secrets Women Wish You Knew With Pictures
A Caring Guy Is a Hot Guy
What do women want? For those who've ever pondered this question, here are 19 relationship secrets. They're based on the study of healthy, happy couples and our changing gender roles. Secret No. 1: Women appreciate a guy with a sensitive side, especially when they're upset. Put your arm around her and hand her a tissue. Nurturing is a powerful way to connect.
Chivalry Still Has a Place
When it comes to romance, many women do like men to take a traditional masculine role. This is especially true in the wooing stage of a relationship, according to psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, who's written several books about love. She's perfectly capable of pulling out her own chair or opening a door, but if you see her hesitate, she might just be waiting for you to be the gentleman.
Dress to Impress
Styles come and go, but a man's attention to his grooming and clothing should be long lasting. It's important to women from the first flirtation through the honeymoon and beyond. "You've got to figure out if there's a certain look that she likes," says Kirschner. "If she likes a guy in tight jeans, you wear tight jeans."
Guy Wears Red, Guy Gets Girl
OK, this tip doesn't come from women, but from clever testing by psychologists of women's subconscious preferences. One intriguing study found that the color red made men seem more powerful, attractive, and sexually desirable to women. There's a caveat, though. Red doesn't make guys appear nicer or kinder. That part is up to you.
Don't Hide Your Flaws
Nothing captures a woman's heart quite like a good man who wants to be a better man, according to love guru Kirschner. "Women love personal growth, they love a man who is thoughtful and sensitive." She likes it when her man recognizes a flaw -- a short temper, for example, or a regularly sullen mood after work -- and loves it when he makes an effort to address it.
Don't Try to Fix Her World
When something's bothering her, she wants your ear, not your advice. "Men feel the need to fix things because they are solution-oriented," says Kirschner. "But to a woman, really listening is a wonderful, wonderful thing that deepens the relationship."
Nodding Is Not Enough
Listening is important, but she also wants to know that she is being heard. Nodding along won't cut it. When she pauses, she's giving you a cue to respond in a compassionate, caring way, says Kirschner. If she tells you that she is upset because her boss gave her a tough time, she wants to hear you say, "I'm sorry that work was such a drag for you today." And remember: Resist the urge to offer solutions.
Date No. 3 Is Not a Bedroom Key
The three dates before sex rule is an urban legend. Women don't set a timeline on when they'll invite a potential partner into the bedroom. Some women will want to have many dates before sex. A good rule of thumb is to give the relationship at least two months to grow before entering the sexual arena.
Women Like the Slow Lane
Guys often want to take the quickest path to sex. But many women prefer the scenic route. "Women want sex but they get to it in a different way," says psychologist Kirschner, who has helped hundreds of couples achieve a more rewarding relationship. "They want to feel connected and understood, they want to be romanced." That means time and talking and touching -- in other words, foreplay.
Safe Sex Is a Turn-On
This is something both of you need to focus on, but Kirschner says that women appreciate it and feel more protected when the guy makes it clear that it's a concern to him -- and then shows her that he practices what he preaches.
Learn What She Wants in Bed
Women do like to talk to about what's going on in the sack, and they want to please their man -- and a tactful approach is often best. Ask her what she likes. Be sure to ask for what you want in a positive and validating way. Kirschner advises saying something along the lines of, "I would really love if you [fill in the blanks]."
Performance Anxiety Is Shared
When you have an off night and can't perform, she feels bad, too. She might worry that she no longer turns you on and she will want assurance that that is not true. She will want to talk about what's going on and what you are doing about it, especially if it's a recurring problem. "It's a touchy thing for both of you," says Kirschner, "but talking about it is a plus."
Mirroring Is a Barometer of Love
Remember the saying "imitation is the highest form of flattery"? A woman often conveys how she feels about you by mirroring your moods and moves. She may order a meal that pairs with yours, wear your favorite color, or smile or cross her arms when you do. Mimicking is her way of putting you at ease and letting you know she is charmed.
Your Shirt May Be a Love Magnet
Does your partner curl up in your sweater or sneak into your work shirt? Some researchers have found that the scent of a man's perspiration has a relaxing effect on women.
Say It, Again and Again
Women like to be told they look nice, and they like a man who notices without being told. When she's wearing a sexy new dress, for example, she'll give you major points for saying how hot she looks, especially if you mention the dress before she does. If she's looking particularly attractive, if she has a new haircut, if she's looking more fit -- let her hear about it.
Don't Fear the Relationship Talk
When your woman wants to talk about the relationship, it doesn't mean you did something wrong (well, not necessarily). Kirschner says that many women like to talk about the "state of the union" -- what's going right, what's going wrong, or simply what's going on. This is a good thing. An honest, wide-ranging talk can bring the two of you closer.
Look Your Partner in the Eye
You may feel more comfortable sitting side by side, but many women prefer face time -- and we don't mean the latest mobile video chat technology. Kirschner says that women prefer their men to make eye contact with them as they're talking. And looking her in the eye during sex will deepen the relationship outside the bedroom.
Don't Miss the Moment
How do you know if she is ready to commit? She'll say so. This is something that women are often quite up front about. But they don't want to have "the talk" too often. If she's ready and she's given you time, the next time the subject comes up, be prepared to step up or step off.
Romance Is Simple; Keep It Coming
Romance is something she will always want, whether you've been together two months or 20 years. Flowers, an intimate dinner, a few lines of love poetry -- don't worry, they don't have to be your own -- might sound cliché, but Kirschner insists that most women appreciate such simple romantic gestures and often show their appreciation after the lights go down.
Dr. S.K. Jain's Burlington Clinic Pvt Ltd
Your Sex Life After Pregnancy
Introduction
Getting busy after your baby is born can be a challenge! "Babies are sex killers," says psychiatrist Gail Saltz, MD, at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center. Caring for a newborn takes a lot of time, and can sap you of energy you used to devote to your partner. Reclaiming your sex life after you have a child is a challenge most couples face. "It’s difficult, but doable," says Saltz, who specializes in sex therapy and is author of The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life. Have reasonable expectations of yourself and your body and you will get back into the sexual swing of things.
Getting the Green Light to Have Sex After Baby
Before you start having sex post-delivery, make sure you don't have any postpartum vaginal discharge (lochia). Most women can resume intercourse from four to six weeks following delivery, regardless of whether you had a vaginal birth or C-section. Having sex before the discharge stops can put you at risk for infection. Some women need a lot of stitches during childbirth and this can also put sex on hold for a longer time period.
Lack of Sleep Smothers Your Sex Drive - Moms
One of the biggest obstacles to resuming sexual activity is the overwhelming fatigue that accompanies the care for a newborn. For several months, most new babies require feeding every two to three hours around the clock. The National Sleep Foundation estimates up to 30% of babies still don't sleep through the night at 9 months. This lack of sleep can cause moms to lose sexual desire and sensation.
Lack of Sleep Smothers Your Sex Drive - Dads
Dads are usually more interested in sex, even if they are tired as well. Men crave sex to help them feel emotionally close to their partners, and also to relax, according to Saltz. Most men can have sex on a whim, while women need foreplay to become aroused.
Fatigue
Talk to your partner if you are so tired it's affecting your sexual desire, says Saltz. There may be ways you can get more rest, so you can get in the mood. Start by asking your partner to watch the baby so you can nap, or try to have sex in the morning, after both of you are rested. Keep in mind that the baby may still wake up just when you're trying to get down! To get some true alone time, family and friends, or babysitters can take over so you and your partner can be intimate without worrying about the baby.
Post-pregnancy Hormones and Sex
After giving birth, estrogen levels decrease. This can cause a lack of vaginal lubrication, which may make sex less pleasurable or even painful. "Lubrication issues usually go away after you stop breastfeeding or after your period resumes," says Cleveland Clinic OB-GYN Elisa Ross, MD. In the meantime, use a topical lubricant to reduce irritation.
Hormonal changes may also result in postpartum depression, which includes feelings of sadness, anxiety, or irritability after giving birth. These feelings can interfere with sexual desire and may persist for weeks to months. Talk to your doctor if you suffer from any depression or anxiety after childbirth.
Breastfeeding May Get in the Way
Breastfeeding is good for the baby, and good for mom to bond with her newborn, but it may also get in the way of your sex life. Constant nursing or pumping milk can make breasts feel tender and a woman may not want to be touched there. If you’re worried about leakage or tenderness, try keeping your bra on during sex, Ross says. In addition, the amount of energy spent on nursing can make a new mom feel like a baby feeding machine, which can hinder sexual feelings.
Body Changes, Inside and Out
Body changes and how a woman feels about her new post-baby body can have a big impact on her feelings of sexuality. Most women gain 25-35 pounds in a typical pregnancy, and many women get stretch marks. A C-section can leave a scar. All these things may contribute to a woman feeling self-conscious or depressed about her body. In reality, your partner likely still views you as sexy. You can also enlist help to regain your pre-baby body. Ask your partner to watch the baby so you can exercise, or have them help prepare healthy meals. You may also want to try buying some new sexy lingerie that can cover some new problem areas, suggests Saltz.
Body Changes, Inside and Out (cont.)
Vaginal delivery may also stretch the vaginal walls, which can decrease friction and reduce sexual enjoyment. It takes tome for the muscle tone to return to that area. In some women, it never does, according to Ross. To help tone pelvic muscles, try Kegel exercises. These exercises can also help heal the area after vaginal tears or an episiotomy.
Be Honest About What's Holding You Back
In some cases, lack of interest in sex after having a baby is more than just physical. There may be some things going on in your relationship that need to be examined. "Ask yourself, 'What is making me uncomfortable enough that I don’t want to express intimacy with my partner through sex?'" Saltz says. A common feeling is resentment at being stuck at home changing diapers and nursing, while spouses get to go outside the house and spend time with other adults.
Communicate With Your Partner
Self-consciousness about your body and your mental fatigue are other emotional issues that may need to be addressed. Talking to your partner can go a long way to reassure you that you are a team and are working together to care for your new family.
If you are having difficulty communicating, couples counseling may help. Ross recommends every couple should proactively seek counseling after having a baby, to help resolve small problems before they get out of control.
Explore the Alternatives
Remember that sex isn't just about intercourse. "Sex is about pleasuring each other and there are many ways to do that," Saltz says. Consider oral sex, manual stimulation, or erotic massage for intimacy. Even if you are not feeling sexual, try to connect with your partner by kissing, hugging, holding hands, or cuddling.
Scheduling Sex
The first year with a newborn is very physically and emotionally demanding, and many couples may have to realize their sex lives may not be the same as they were before baby. However, most sexual issues women experience following childbirth improve within the first year. Even so, sexual activity does not always return to what it was pre-baby and couples may find they need to schedule sex. It may not feel as romantic as the spontaneity you used to enjoy, but it may be a necessary way to ensure you don't miss out on intimacy.
Accepting the New Normal
With a new child your sex life may change from what it was before and you may have sex less frequently than you used to. If you’re both fine with not having sex as much, you’re OK. "But it’s not about how much sex you’re having. It’s about how unhappy you each might be about not having it," Saltz says, "If one partner feels denied all the time, it creates a vulnerability in the relationship.” These problems have to be addressed before it’s too late."
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